An Introduction is in Order (Salt Lake Culture, Chapter 1)

I think most of you know I moved to the big Salt Lake of City 2-3 yrs ago. What a TrEmEnDoUs experience it's been! There are a plethora of cultures clashing all over the place and holy crap I'm listening to Lykke Li right now and it is just blowing my comedic mood right out of the water! Anyway there was a time when I would blog about Provo Culture. Well friends. I'm moving on.

Salt Lake City Culture, Chapter 1: Provo Refugees

There comes a time when a Provonian wakes up and says to him/herself: "I'm 24. I'm single. I'm fashion forward...Best to head north". Just like that an established Happy Valley Alum packs their bags (and usually all of their friends) and migrates toward Sugarhouse/Holladay/Cottonwood/Downtown (it should be noted that The Avenues are reserved mostly for the marrieds). So what do they do when they get there? Just pick up where they left off? Not so. Like any refugee, adapting to a new city can be difficult and requires an assimilation process. Climate change. Acquiring the taste of the region. Fashion mishaps. It's all part of the journey. On behalf of the Provo Refugees themselves, I present to you the Provo Refugee Survival Guide:

Transportation: Trax. Trax. Trax. Pretend to be immediately familiar with the Front Runner schedule. For your first ride invite a trusted friend, as bus behavior from unruly tweens is generally unsettling and may cause severe anxiety. Bike. Bike. Bike. Get a fancy bike and pretend you ride it everywhere. When you actually need to get somewhere (on time)-just drive, much of Salt Lake City living (actually...any kind of living) is a facade. For your own safety, know that, in SLC, the green turning arrow appears BEFORE the actual green light. Not after.

Diet: There are two parts to a Salt Lake City diet: steady intake of ethnic food, and more importantly, knowledge of every obscure restaurant within a 25 mile radius. This presents a challenge to post-Provo residents, as the Utah County diet consists mostly of Olive Garden, "The Cougar Eat", and now In 'n Out. Adjust in increments. Start one night a week at a Mediterranean place. Branch out from there. Again, if you are in touch with any Scene Kids who have already gone through the process, let them be your guide.

Free Time: Use down time to look up Downtown festival and/or "special screening" dates on your smart phone. Festival attendance is critical to a normal SLC life and will result in your most important friendships.

Fashion: Provo Refugees oftentimes find their sense of fashion questioned in SLC. Some will keep wearing their polos. Some will slightly adapt by purchasing Chacos or other such bohemian items. Provo Scene Kids are like so ahead of the times and have been wearing Salt Lake Street Fashion for years. Trust in them.

Emergency Phone Numbers: Sugarhouse Library. That's all.

Climate Change: Preparing for a Salt Lake City winter presents many obstacles. There is snow in Provo, yes. But. There is NOT an unsettling and ever-present cloud of gloom and pollution that somehow makes your skin go gray and slimy. The only way to avoid Inversion Zombification is to never leave your house ever...unless it's after 6. When it's dark. This is when your inner-Provo resident can come out again, as snowball fights and rambunctious behavior are encouraged during this time period. Once summer hits though, it's back to meditative slack-lining.

Language Barrier: Provo Talk is for kids. Salt Lake Speak is for grown ups. So you'd better get serious. Fast.

Get Colonized: Salt Lake City hereby claims you in the name of...Salt Lake City. Absorb it all. Walk Broadway. Run the Wasatch Back. Stop owning a TV. Vote for the other guy. Because if you don't...well. We all saw what happened to Winston in 1984.

Quote Board:

Ever since I was a young gal at UVSC I've kept a quote book. What do I write in it? Hilarity from friends, family, teachers, celebs, etc. I would like to share some of them with you:

*In a flamboyant English accent: "Helllloooooooo, Catherine! This is Doctor Johnson! You thought I was dead but it turns out I was in a coma...!"
-This is the best voicemail I've ever recieved, courtesy of Ryan. Keep in mind, his last name is not even close to Johnson.

"Is 24 Hour even open this late?"
-Josh on the 36 hours in the day

"I would get beef jerky...but I'm too lazy to eat it"
-Riley on why she needed to buy 3 Rice Krispie Treats...at Chevron

"I just fed a baby, who's allergic to milk, some delicious yogurt! What to do?! Oh rats!"
-Ry on why babysitting is the hardest of all the jobs.

"Why DO they sleep in those little ovens?"
-Kiera on not understanding Japanese hotels/beds

"I'm not one to dab the grease. I just think to myself- who are you kidding? You don't care if there's fat on that'".
-Carly on eating pizza

Wind Beneath My Wings

With all this fuss over Jerry Sloan and Deron Williams, I can't help but feel like someone's been left out. I think you know who I'm talking about. The 7 foot Center with a will of iron and a heart of gold. That's right. It's Greg Ostertag.

Ostertag cast a shadow over 1998 (or something) with his talent, his charm, his charisma and his haircut. I mean, can you even try to think of a pop culture reference from that era that isn't centered around Greg? I don't think so.

Ostertag was the enigmatic player who led the Jazz to every single victory they ever had. It's almost impossible to understand why the Jazz traded him to another team. And then that team traded him. And then he came back to the Jazz. And then he got traded again. Ostertag was on fire!

But like every flame, Greg's career flickered and died a firey death. I don't know what year. But oh what a ride it was while it lasted! Here's to you, Greg.

As a tribute, I found some inspirational quotes DIRECTLY FROM GREG HIMSELF and also some from the Deseret News and some other source that I can't remember:

"It is true that Ostertag could not score. He was an inefficient
scorer from the field and the free throw line. But basketball is not just
about scoring". -The Wages of Wins Journal

"I just want to play and help this team win" -Greg Ostertag, Deseret
News

Quote Board

Since I was a young gal at UVSC I've kept a quote book. What do I write in it? Hilarity from friends, family, teachers, and celebs. I have some favorites. I would like to list a few...

In a flamboyant English accent: "Caaaatherine! This is Dr. Johnson! You thought I was dead, but it turns out I was just in a coma!"

-Voicemail from Ryan

I'm all up in your business.

Sometimes I drive around and wonder why people name their businesses what they do. I can't understand sometimes. Let's just give a few examples, shall we?

Tickles
Expectation: Some kind of strip club for minors?
Reality: Greek restaurant in Holladay. Yes, it absolutely is as creepy as it sounds-at least from the outside. You guys, I can't just be eating in a place that's called "Tickles". And just try to tell me you don't picture all of the patrons in hospital gowns. I don't know why, it just seems logical. It's the kind of establishment you think Kim Jong Il might run.
Side Note: I had a friend in high school who we called "Benny Tickles". That is the best nickname ever.

Majestic Lube

Expectation: Whatever it is, it has about the same amount of creepiness as Candy Mountain from Charlie the Unicorn.
Reality: Oil Changery in the Fort Union area...somewhere east of Target (side note: everything in the Fort Union area can be measured by its proximity to Target). You guys, let's be real. There is nothing MAJESTIC about an oil change.

Creme De Bakery:
Expectation: You might assume you're in for french pastries and cursive penmanship and roses and all kinds of girly nonsense.
Reality: You're in for unfamiliar asian cuisine (that is filled with beans for some reason) and cheesecake. Serious. Those are the only things they serve there.


Taffy Towne:
Expectation: It's going to be exactly like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and you'll be sliding down a laffy taffy waterslide into a cotton candy pool! Well look think kids, you're wrong. DEAD WRONG.
Reality: Have you ever seen Taffy Town? So I've never been "inside" or "up close". I can tell you this-there's no way that place isn't a secret hide-out for super-villains. You know, like on Batman when The Joker takes up residence at the old, abandoned toy factory and starts cranking out dolls that are stuffed with crack. That's just what happens in places like this.

I just don't know, you guys.

For Your Consideration

I've been doing a lot of thinking and this is what I've decided: I think Captain Hook was just a regular dude.

Who wouldn't look like a dullard next to FuN pEtEr PaN? Let's just review these characters:

Peter Pan:

Occupation: None

Hobbies: Smoking peote with the "Red Man"

Hot Friends: Tinkerbell, Mermaids of Neverland, Tiger Lilly

Keeps Company With: Rufio. Rufio. Ru. Fi. Ooooooooooooooo.

Awesome Extras: Fairy Dust, endless supply of happy thoughts, crows when excited, impressive thimble collection.

Captain Hook:

Occupation: Pirate

Hobbies: Hand Recovery/Crocodile Chasing

Hot Friends: None

Keeps Company With: Smee

Awesome Extras: Owns own home/ship, supervisor for 50+ shipmates, mustache "ticks" when crocodile is within a 50 yard radius.

See? Who would YOU rather be friends with? But consider this-what if you had to share an island with the Lost Boys? Why are they always making Indian noises and screaming and refusing to be responsible? GET A JOB, Lost Boys. Leave Captain Hook alone-he only has one hand for heaven's sake!

Anyway. This is the conclusion I've come to. Just think it over.